A short story about my vagina.

Dear Makers Of Vagisil Feminine Wash,

I just saw the ad for your product and did some reading-up on it online (because I’m cluey like that) and excuse the pun but I think it stinks.

Vagisil Feminine Wash has been specifically designed by you to cleanse down-there lady-parts, yes? You claim Vagisil wash “doesn’t just clean away odour, it helps stop it from happening.” What sort of odour are we talking about here, exactly? If you haven’t flushed your floss for the better part of a year then sure, I reckon using Vagisil wash would solve the smell, and if you washed with it regularly I’m equally confident it would stop that unwashed-floss fragrance returning (Mind you, using any soap would do exactly the same.)

But if you’re talking about the normal, natural smell of a vagina I’m pretty sure the only way to stop that from happening would be to see to it that the owner/operator of that particular vagina expired. As in, was dead.

“Smells great, honey…not unlike your vagina.”

Because you see, living (breathing?) vaginas have their own particular smell. And that’s perfectly normal. And here’s another doozie: so does the healthy tackle of blokes. Perhaps you weren’t aware of this? Maybe that’s why I’m not seeing your ads for cock-wash?Because surely, if wangs have a smell like shmoos do, then surely you should make a special wash for them, too. Why market a product that’s obviously suitable for everyone to only half the population? (Provided, of course, people aren’t getting anywhere by using normal soap?)

Actually, now that I think of it, could you tell me: apart from the word “feminine” and some swirly pastels on the packaging, how does Vagisil Feminine Wash differ from normal soap, exactly? Oh, that’s right – normal soap doesn’t make women, specifically, feel inherently dirty. In the downstairs.

Vagisil Feminine Wash does, by its very existence and the fact that there’s no equivalent for blokes.

So, allow me to help you out. I asked around a bit and had a think (I get my best ideas in the shower while furiously scrubbing my nether regions) and I’ve come up with some ideas for Penisil Masculine Wash.

That is, if you like that name. A Twitter friend suggested “Dick Douche” but I didn’t really like that. First I thought it wasn’t subtle enough but then I thought it sounded like it might be the name of a comic book character.

Vagisil Feminine Wash has a “light and clean” scent, right? (By the way, do you mean “clean” as in just-washed…with soap?) I’m assuming you did some market research and found “light and clean” to be a smell that most women find pleasant? Well, I did some market research, too, and Penisil Masculine Wash smells like crispy bacon. (In fact, you should have made Vagisil wash smell like that: everyone knows a lot of people just love eating bacon!)

Your product is apparently “safe and gentle enough to use every day” (unlike soap, which is of course highly dangerous and may cause death when used regularly on human bodies.) Well, blokes don’t want safe, gentle, daily use. They want something a little more fun that needs doing a little less often. That’s why Penisil Masculine Wash is designed to be used occasionally, like sheep dip. The male method of use is also similar here: simply fill a small tub or Tupperware with Penisil and dip that dick (I would have called it Dick Dip but that sounded like something you might pass around with Savoy crackers at a really sick party.)

Finally, you champion Vagisil Feminine Wash as “the confident clean” (again as opposed to soap, which just leaves my already insecurity-prone vagina feeling confused and frightened.) Well I’m telling everyone that Penisil Masculine Wash is “the clean you want when someone makes you think your knob is unnaturally noxious and soap just won’t do the trick.” Too wordy?

Anyhoo, let me know what you think about my idea. It can’t be any worse than yours.

Sincerely,

Terri.

P.S. When you get a chance, can you also do a special wash for balls? I’m telling you, those little guys are kind of rank.

14 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Murasaki on June 6, 2012 at 8:42 am

    This would actually sell (and I’d be getting that patent NOW) because blokes would be up for anything that might make women more willing to go near their dicks. Blokes in Astraya are only just realising that spraying Axe and Lynx liberally all over does not send the “chicks” wild as advertised.
    Still for men it would just be an added scent like perfume. Its women that need something more of a disinfectant to cleanse the evil sinner from themselves. Vagisil etc should really come with a pad of steel wool – but like you say – the only way youre gonna get it completely clean is if you remove it. I’m not convinced being dead would be enough.
    Or you could just move to France?

    Reply

  2. Bwahahahaha. Partner & I saw this ad last night & thought we’d switched channels to a comedy skit show. Thank you for a viable male alternative.

    Reply

  3. Posted by Lizzie on June 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Love it!!
    Seen this Lynx add yet?!
    “No one like dirty balls”…seriously

    Reply

  4. Posted by Fleur de Boheme on June 8, 2012 at 3:01 am

    I absolutely love this. So funny. But are you aware that your url is marked as spam – I shared it and fb removed the post! Outrageous – we shouldn´t put up with this kind of censorship, so I have copy pasted it again!

    Reply

  5. Yes, we’re on a campaign to have our vaginas out on Facebook!

    Reply

  6. Fluer- I don’t think facebook marked the page specifically as spam. Facebook sometimes marks things as spam, eg, if you share it on a page you haven’t liked or if you post a lot of links in a short period of time.

    I liked this article. You made some nice points. However, just wondering, you don’t actually use soap on your vagina do you?? You seem to be suggesting that vaginisil is no more useful than soap… I would say that neither has any place on the delicate membrane skin of a vagina! Vagina’s are like cats, self-cleaning, and you don’t wash them unless they have rolled in mud or there is some kind of pest problem.

    Additionally, I would comment that some vagina’s do smell, and washing with water, as well as changing diet (eg less refined sugar, less stress, more water, less beer) is an adequate enough solution. Not to mention getting an STD check if it persists O_o Vaginsil does sexual health a disservice, really…

    Reply

  7. [...] What’s the male equivalent to Vagisil? Dick Douche? Dick Dip? Bacon flavoured Penisil? [psiakisterri, via MamaMia] [...]

    Reply

  8. [...] genitalia that apparently needs these ‘products’ to make them clean? Dirty Balls, Lynx. Smelly Vaginas, Vagasil. What’s with this? Is there something wrong with a bar of soap and a shower? And are [...]

    Reply

  9. Posted by Alexander on June 23, 2012 at 2:40 am

    I enjoyed your take on this. I remember about 10 years ago when I was visiting the States and saw my first ever advert for Vagisil, I found it terribly amusing that such a product actually even existed.

    So many stupid things are perpetuated just so individuals and organisations can profit from exploiting society’s fears surrounding hygiene. You point out that there’s no equivalent product for men, but every year millions of infant boys in America (and to a lesser extent in Canada & Australia) have the most sensitive part of their penis hacked off without their consent, because parents are lead to believe the spurious claim that it will be “cleaner” if they pay a doctor a few hundred dollars to mutilate their son’s genitalia.

    On the balance of things I think women get off a little easier, because no one forces them to buy the unnecessary product, but it’s really time that all this nonsense stopped. There is nothing inherently dirty about the natural bodies of either sex, and a little splash of soap and water occasionally is all that’s required to keep them in good condition.

    Reply

  10. Posted by Ste on July 28, 2012 at 12:30 am

    Vaginas have all different type of smells, some women have such bad smelling vaginas it can induce vomiting and it’s not always an infection. Vaginas are dark damp warm places so obviously it’s a haven for bacteria which is creating this sometimes awful oder. I don’t understand why women try turn this around on men, are you that embarrassed you try to ease your embarrassment by talking of the junk stink? I’m not denying that some men must smell awful as some can be awfully lazy, however I know women who wash daily and still smell rotten. It’s just one of those things, I think you should take the time complaining about these products and use it wisely to clean your vaginas.

    Reply

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